It's been a while since I posted and I'm realising that I'm perhaps not the most prolific blogger. No matter, best to wait until I have something interesting to say.
Of course I considered posting on New Year's Eve (or Old Year's Night as my mam calls it) reflecting on the year that's been and looking forward to the year ahead but as I spent NYE alone (with my babies sleeping upstairs) I was a little concerned it would just be a barrage of woe and self-pity.
I can't promise this will be a joy-fest but as the title suggests, I believe in honesty so hopefully it will be open and real but without descending in to a tirade of misery.
Straight from the school run today I went to Morrisions to get a few bits. I actually quite enjoy food shopping and will smile and chat to other shoppers. Today however, I was in shut down mode. The longer I wandered round the sadder I felt, even choosing a self serve checkout so I didn't have to exchange pleasantries with the cashier. This isn't like me at all. I usually love any opportunity to chat to ... well, anyone! I am a deeply sociable creature.
While I was shopping I saw an ex-colleague from when I worked as a doctor's receptionist, a lovely nurse called Alison. I deliberately avoided her. I just didn't have the energy to chat and put on a brave face.
Over the last few weeks I've been wrestling with how honest I should be when someone asks how I am. When people ask that question, do they really want the answer? Over time "You alright?" has become a standard greeting but are we really enquiring about that person's health and well-being or is it just a conversational habit that we can't break? How often have you dashed past a friend or acquaintance and had the following exchange...
Them: "Hiya!"
You: "Oh hello, you alright?"
Them: "Yeah, you?"
You: "Yeah! Bye!"
Them: "Bye!"
Are you both alright? We're so British that even if we ill/ grieving/ depressed/ injured we always say "Yeah, fine!" because does that person actually want the real answer?
Don't misunderstand me, sometimes when we say we're fine it's because we are! But right now (and for the past few months) I am far from fine. My mental health is in tatters, so much so that I am on a three month sabbatical from my main job (as a Slimming World consultant) and I am also signed off sick from my daytime school job.
But do I say that when people ask how I am...? Well, in all honesty, I have been answering the "How are you?" question either with "Physically? Fine. Mentally? Not so much..." or I just make an odd noise that says "Yeah, not great to be honest." I don't know if this is right or wrong. I don't know if I'm making people uncomfortable... Certainly that's not my intention but I just think it's best to be honest.
I've said before that I am very passionate about "starting a conversation" about Mental Health. It's so very important to me that it is spoken about freely and that the taboo surrounding the subject is destroyed. So many people suffer in silence because they're too afraid or ashamed to admit that actually they are a million miles away from "fine".
My willingness to share musings like this, to post on social media about my own struggles with my mental well-being is something my (now ex) partner just can't fathom. He just can't see why I do it other than to get attention. I'd be lying if I said I don't like an audience, since childhood I've looked for attention anywhere I could get it and sometimes it has back-fired horribly. I truly believe though, that this blog and some of my other public posting is more about helping others to feel less alone. The "Oh thank God, it's not just me!" feeling I get when I read other blogs and statuses that articulate my own feelings... Well, if even one person reads my ramblings and feels that way, I see that as a win.
In the end, Alison ended up opposite me at the self checkout. We spoke, exchanged pleasantries and walked out in to the car park together. I admitted to not being in a great place mentally or indeed financially at the mo (due to the not working) and she asked if I had time for a cuppa. We both loaded our shopping in to our cars and headed back to the cafe for a chat over coffee. I didn't spend the whole time whingeing, it was nice to listen to Ali talk about what her family are up to but she did also listen as I filled her in on my current situation. I'm so glad she managed to catch my eye. It was great to catch up and it seemed so silly that I'd tried to hide from her but my mood as I shopped had shut down the social side of me.
At 3pm today I have an appointment with our local Mental Health team to be assessed. I don't really know what to expect in all honesty. I am hoping that the outcome will be an offer of professional help to break some of the behaviours that drag me down and damage my relationships. I've had counselling on and off since I was 14 years old but what I want isn't just someone to listen to me! I need real practical coping strategies and ways of dealing with my highs and lows.
My mission for 2018 is to get well: mentally, physically... the whole shebang. When someone asks me how I am in future I want to answer "I'm great, thanks. Really well!" and for it to be true.
If you're reading this and you're feeling more than just the standard January Blues, please make sure you talk to someone about it. It is absolutely "okay not to be okay" but make sure you don't suffer alone.
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